Archive for the ‘Friday Funnies’ Category
Sunday is Veterans’ Day, so I searched for a military themed joke for this week’s Friday Funnies. There are lots of great ones. However, as you might imagine, most of the jokes out there are just a bit raunchier than would be appropriate for this site. After searching many sites, I came across Vetfriends and found the perfect joke – it even has estate planning references!
As unlikely as it seems, a Marine and a Sailor were friends and decided to go on a ski trip.
Along the way, they had car trouble and broke down by a farm on one of the coldest nights of the year. They knocked on the farm house door and a beautiful widow stood before them. The widow told them they were welcome to spend the night in the barn, but she could not allow them to stay in the house for appearance sake.
The night seemed to go uneventfully and the next morning the guys continued and finished their ski trip. Nine months later the Marine was contacted by a lawyer.
The Marine caught up to his Sailor buddy and asked him, “Hey Mack, you remember that beautiful widow we met on our ski trip”?
The Sailor replied rather sheepishly, “Yes.”
The Marine said, “You didn’t happen to get up in the middle of the night and pay her a visit did you?”
The Sailor again said, “Yes.”
The Marine asked, “And by the way did you use my name instead of yours”?
The Sailor again said, rather red faced, “Yeah Buddy. I’m sorry.”
The Marine replied, “That’s okay, she died and left me a million bucks!”
Wishing you peace!
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,”I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. ”
“Pop, what are you talking about?” wonders the son, concerned.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. ”We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. ”Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she exclaims. ”I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and hollers at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”
A guy walks into a bar. He recently found out that his elderly father will be passing away in a few years and leaving him a very large inheritance. Using this new information as leverage in the dating market, he decides it’s time to find someone to settle down with.
So guy looks around the room and locks eyes with this stunning young woman. He figures she’s probably out of his league, but walks up to her with his new boost of confidence and says, “I may not look like much now, but in a few years my father will pass away and I will have millions. Would you be interested in going to dinner sometime?” She’s interested, and gets his name and number.
A week later, she became his step-mother.
The text below is one option for language to include in your living will:
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish
to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______ a Beer
______ a Bloody Mary
______ a Margarita
______ a glass of wine
______ a Martini
______ a Vodka and Tonic
______ a Steak
______ Lobster or crab legs
______ The remote control
______ a Bowl of ice cream
______ The sports page
______ New shoes
it should be presumed that I won’t ever get better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. At this point it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.
Today’s Friday Funny reminds us all to keep a light heart — even in the midst of financial struggles.
One day, the Pastor sees Matthew walking slowly out of Church. Matthew is dejected, disheveled and looks terrible.
“Matthew,” asked the Pastor, “what’s the matter?”
“Well, Pastor, my business is shot, I’m losing my house and my wife says she is going to leave me and take the kids if I don’t straighten things out. I just don’t know what to do.”
“Matthew, find the answer in the Bible,” the Pastor replied. And Matthew left.
Four months later, the Pastor sees Matthew coming out of Church, only this time, he’s wearing an Armani suit, a nice cap and lighting a big old cigar.
“Matthew, you look great! Did you follow my advice?”
“I did. I went home that day and decided to open the Bible and to follow the advice I saw. So I opened the Bible and the first phrase I saw said:
Matthew Chapter 11.”
I was trolling the ‘net for an entry to the Friday Funnies file and I came across this oldie but goodie from The Onion on various important items to keep in mind while preparing a living will. My favorites:
- It’s important to have a lawyer present when you draft a living will, as it makes the desire to be dead that much more tangible.
- Explain in no uncertain terms that, should you die and return as a zombie, loved ones must shoot you in the head without hesitation.
- A living will is a great way to meet a notary public, if notaries public are your thing.
- If you choose to remain on life support indefinitely, make sure your family is legally restricted from dressing you up as a corporate mascot and renting you out for parties.